Dude, this was really hard for me to write... I seriously started tearing up not even half way through writing this... To tell the truth, this was just supposed to be a poem-like thing expressing how I've been feeling for the past week and a half. I am at an all time low right now... Strangely enough, its like its one step above suicidal thoughts (not wanting to kill myself. Just pondering what my purpose in life is). I've been questioning myself and asking:

"What am I supposed to do with my life? What am I going to do once I get back home? What is going to happen in a week from now? Should I be worrying about any of the stuff I'm worrying about now? Is there anything I can do without failing? Will I ever be able to control myself?"

Those are just a few of the many questions that race through my head before I fall asleep at 2 or 3 in the morning. I just feel so out of control. What I mean is that I feel like I don't have any control over what I can and can't do. Last night I actually was thinking about what I would tell my mom if I was actually able to go back in time (when I was little) and explain all the problems that she would face when raising me. I need the feeling of control back...

Anyways... Back to what this poem is about...

I just had to write about my mom because she has been on my mind more than ever in the past week and a half. I keep on wanting to be six again, just so that I could get the same kind of caring and love I used to. Not that she doesn't love me now... Its just that I want to be able to just cry and not have to worry about being in debt and what I might do if I don't handle the stress the right way... Honestly, I'm terrified to pieces right now and no one is here to comfort me and hug me and just keep telling me that everything will be alright. Thats what I miss about being a kid. How when you're scared shitless, your mom comes and sings "Mockingbird" and it just somehow makes those worries just disappear... Oh, god, how I could use that right now... I could use all the caring and compassion in the world right now you guys...